‘Everything's Over and Starting All Over Again’: Aslı Ceren Aslan reflects on her ICORN residency

18 July 2022.

‘After a long and adventurous journey, I am finally at my destination. It didn't take me long to recover from the mental and physical exhaustion of the journey I made the day before. Stress, fear of the uncertainty of the future, anxious waiting to see if my freedom will be taken away from me again, longing to feel safe... Since I was released from prison in August 2019, I feel that I have been freed from the question marks that have surrounded me. The breath I take now has a flavour. A refreshing flavour. As if I had a mentholated candy in my mouth.

I am in the serenity of Växjösjön (Växjö lake) stretching in front of me. I am in the freshness of the thousands of shades of green surrounding the lake and the city. I am in the excitement of the chill that the windless but cool air creates in my body.

Everything is over.

I hear the voices of people passing behind the bench where I sit. I listen to the melody of an unfamiliar language. My ears try to pick out the words, but I can't catch a familiar tune. It's not only this that is unfamiliar. Streets, cities, country... Everything is so unfamiliar. Växjö is a small city. I can explore the streets in a few days. I can visit other cities when I have time and get to know them. But I know that's not what I'm really curious about.

I need to find out how life works. What do people do in their daily lives? What do they get upset, angry, worried about and what do they enjoy, have fun, be happy? How do they touch each other's lives? There are so many things I need to discover in order to be a part of the flowing life, to make each street of the city meaningful.

I think of the memories I can collect on the streets of Växjö, what I can contribute to the city and the people, what I can share and learn. My heart flutters.

Everything is over but everything starts again.

I know that what I am used to is now behind me. The places where I have spent years, where I have accumulated memories and people,what I have learnt about people's reactions to various situations and phenomena with cultural codes, information about what I should do when I am sick or when I have business with state institutions, the career I have acquired... I am somewhere between being caught up in the melancholy of exile or not. On the other hand, my excitement for everything new and my curiosity about what I will experience here outweighs it.

Despite the jacket I am wearing, I feel cold and I decide to get up from the bench and walk a little on the streets of the city. I am not used to the combination of July and being cold. ‘We will manage this Ceren’ I think to myself and I leave Växjö Cathedral behind and head towards the city centre.’

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18 July 2024.

‘The early morning sun and the deep blue sky are calling me to go outside. It is impossible for me to ignore this call, I have already learnt during my time here that I should not let go the moment I catch the sun! When I take a look at the weather forecast on my phone, my happiness multiplies even more, the sky will not surprise us today, the sun will be with us until it gets dark. One day it will be summer like summer!

I decide to take a walk around the Växjösjön and put on my trainers. I walk through the small park, which I have passed countless times for the last two years, towards the street where the Växjö Library is located. I give a little bow to the library building, where I wrote a big part of my first book “Bara vi själva kan rädda varandra (We are each other's remedy)”,and cross the street. There is the Växjö Konsthall (Art Gallery) in front of me. While waving to a familiar person sitting at the reception desk, I glance at my book in the window. When I turn left from the Konsthall building, Det Fria Ordets Hus, located on the back facade of the building, welcomes me. Det Fria Ordets Hus, who hosted me as an ICORN resident for 2 years... The place where I gave many speeches on freedom of thought, expression and press freedom, LGBTI+ and women's rights in Turkey, where I celebrated the Swedish edition of my first book, and where I met and celebrated with beautiful people.

As I move towards the city centre, the streets are getting crowded, everyone on their lunch break wants to enjoy the sun like me. I pass through the shops, cafes and restaurants lined up on both sides of Storgatan, meeting acquaintances on the crowded street, exchanging greetings,making small talk about the weather... I remember the long cortege under the rainbow flags that adorned this street during Växjö Pride week, which I participated in twice. It feels good to remember my excitement and my own enthusiasm combined with the enthusiasm of the people.

I remember my book signing at the bookshop on the corner, the dances I danced with my friends at the café on the back street, the celebration with my ICORN coordinator at the restaurant across the café 6 months later after my birthday in winter was moved to summer due to weather conditions, and the journeys I made to other cities from the train station two streets down.

When I arrive at Linneaus Park, the huge crowd during Pride Week comes to life in front of my eyes. My being called to the stage by the Pride Committee to receive the 2024 honour award, my excitement to receive the award and to make a speech in Swedish in front of hundreds of people... The contrast between being deemed worthy of police violence during Pride week in Turkey and the award I received here...

I continue walking. I find myself sitting on the bench where I sat 2 years ago. As my ICORN residency is coming to an end, I think about the memories I have accumulated, the people, the corners of the whole city full of experiences, what I have learnt and what I have added.

I am at a new end and a new beginning.

While being in exile means starting from scratch in every sense, I see that I have travelled many kilometers from the zero point at the end of two years with those who supported me and stood by me with all their strength during my time as the ICORN resident here. It makes me feel strong to think that I can now stand on my own feet completely.

And Växjö is more than just “the greenest city in Europe”. I feel like a part of this city, I want to contribute more to this city. I enjoy watching Växjösjön with the pleasure of belonging somewhere.’

By Aslı Ceren Aslan (25.07.2024).